Valentine's Day Blunder
by kelles
Summary: This is my first attempt at humor. Pip wants to give Seras the perfect gift for Valentine's Day and seeks Walter advice. But, the advice was not the best. One shot, PxS.


Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or its charactars, Kohta Hirano does.

* * *

St. Valentine's Day was coming and Pip knew who he wanted to be his valentine: the beautiful young vampire, Seras Victoria. He had been lusting after her body for weeks. She had resisted him so far, but he knew he was wearing down her resolve. Valentine's Day would be the perfect chance for him to make his move. Pip wanted to get her a special present, but what? 

Pip wanted to ask someone else for advice, but who could he ask? The Geese were a rowdy bunch of guys who didn't have much luck with the ladies. And he couldn't very well ask Alucard. Even though it was obvious that he and the police girl were not lovers that didn't mean Alucard would be okay with the idea of him shagging her. Besides, Alucard was just plain creepy. Then there was Integra. She did seem to know Seras better. But, she was his boss and female. It would be too weird if she knew what he was up to. Besides, she was a little protective of the police girl. That would leave…Walter.

Pip decided to ask Walter during the day – when Seras and Alucard slept and the boss was at a meeting. He had sent the rest of the Geese outside to train so no one would overhear their conversation. Pip would never hear the end of it if any of his men knew. He found Walter fixing some tea in Integral's office.

"Excuse me---I was wondering, Walter, if I could ask you some err personal advice." Pip wondered why his palms were sweating. Was he nervous?

"Good afternoon, Captain. What kind of personal advice could I give you?"

"Well, umm, it's concerning a girl."

Walter grinned slyly. "Hmmm…a girl. This wouldn't happen to be about a certain young vampire, now would it?"

Pip's mouth dropped open. How did the butler know? He shrugged his shoulders. "Well…"

"Seras is a beautiful young lady. Even if she is a vampire, you two would make a fine couple. How can I help?"

Pip sighed in relief. "Well…I wanted to get Seras something for Valentines Day. Not just anything – something that would impress her. I was thinking of lingerie, but thought that might be too…damn I don't know. Like I was expecting something."

Walter grinned and although Pip did not notice, his eyes gleamed just a little deviously. "I think that is a splendid idea. In fact I thought I overheard Seras telling Sir Integral that she wanted something of the sort. I think her exact words were that she was tired of wearing her old flannel pajamas and being thought of as one of the guys. If you gave her that, she'd know you see her as a lady."

"Cool – you don't know how much I appreciate your help, Walter. I couldn't ask anyone else. Do you think she'd like something sexy? Or more practical?"

"Personally, I think Seras is tired of practical things. I'd go for something that would show off her umm natural assets."

Pip heard Integral coming and did not want to explain the conversation. "Uhh I think you're right. Thanks Walter!"

Valentine's Day finally arrived. Pip managed to sneak down into her room at dusk to give her the present. "Happy Valentines Day, Seras!" Pip grinned.

Seras' eyes widened as she saw the fancy gift wrapped box. No one had ever given her anything for Valentines Day. You don't get many presents in an orphanage. "Thanks, Pip. But, I didn't…"

"That's okay. It's more of a guy thing to give a present for his lady."

Seras smiled shyly and started to open the present. When she opened the box, Seras looked rather confused. Pip had gotten her a very sexy red negligee with garner belts and black lace stockings. In a matter of seconds, her look changed from confused to outrage.

"Captain, what in the bloody hell is this?" Seras held up the outfit.

"It's called a negligee. I thought that you would---"

"I would what? Look good in it? And what makes you think I would get caught dead wearing this? Do you really think I'd wear it in front of you? You, Captain, are the biggest pervert in all of England!"

"Well Seras, technically you are dead." Pip grinned.

"Captain, you know what I mean! Get out of my room this instant! And take this trashy thing with you! It looks like something a whore would wear. I am not a whore, Captain!"

"Bb-bb-bbb-but, Seras."

"Out!"

Seras took the negligee and pulled Pip by his arm. She pushed him out of the door at the exact moment Sir Integral came down the hall to see what the commotion was. Seras threw the negligee at him but it landed on Integra's head. Pip fell into the Hellsing leader, nearly knocking her down.

Integral struggled to keep on her feet. She did not want Pip landing on top of her. Integral smirked as she tore the negligee off of her head. She did not think anything about the situation was humorous. But, Integral had an idea of who had engineered the fiasco. Although, the sound was barely audible, Integral was sure she heard the Hellsing Bulter, Walter Dolneaz, laughing his arse off, somewhere in the distance..


End file.
